Again, I’m the realness with the illness. Fibromyalgia sickness. Anyway, today I went swimming for the second time in so long to try to build strength. I haven’t done anything active outside of work since August ’17, and I was in so much pain because of it, I wasn’t doing it right. I’m trying to do it right this time with professional help so that I’m hoping that by building strength I can do more and lessen pain.
Today and Tuesday, one thing I kept thinking about while at the pool was body image. Now that I’m sick I think about that, more than extra fat on my stomach. I’m more concerned with people thinking that I look healthy, young. Should I play into it and ‘look’ more sick or try to become their expectations and try to act healthy? Why does it matter? Have you ever acted differently or hid something to for fill their expectations so it would be less annoying to deal with the situation? Sometimes I’ve felt I had to do act more sick to again, meet their expectations, however, this usually happens when I need help and I get looks or push back of some kind. Both days I kept noticing guys looking at me and I had to fight the urge to pull on my bathing suite, I didn’t want to show that I was uncomfortable. I didn’t want their looks to get to me. But I purposely walked without a limp or tried to walk at a normal speed. Now that I’m writing this out, it sounds weird and maybe a little crazy, but I’m just being honest.
Because of my fibro I was doing light exercises in what’s considered the ‘kiddie’ pool. It’s warmer than the full length pool and cold makes the pain worse. There was a few moms with their kids, a few older people doing similar to the light exercises I was doing, and some younger and older people in the full length pool. Were they watching me? Maybe, probably not in a creepy way, but I’m-in-this-large-room-doing-exercises-and-you’re-just one-of-the-things-to-looks-at type way. Again, why does it matter? Should I be more concerned with people thinking about me being sick or concerned with people looking for other reasons? Unfortunately, I don’t know the answer. I do my best not to care, but when people are giving me looks because I parked in the disability parking I can’t help it. I feel judged.
But I guess an upside is that being more worried about people judging me based on my sickness I worry less of what my body looks like.
Below I have included one of my favourite pictures of me and my boyfriend doing face masks together because being silly is fun especially after a kind of serious topic. My skin look like it’s melting. LOL